Dear my enemy, my weakness, and the one thing that manages to cripple me to the core,
Growing up, I learned all about you. As long as I can recall, health class K-12 would consist of a teacher stressing the importance of telling a trusted adult if you think someone is depressed and that heart-wrenching story of the person who lost their battle with depression, as well as their life. I do believe that getting the word out there in terms of how to help someone whose life is at risk is important; although, health class didn’t prepare me one bit for what my life was about to become with you. Health class labeled people with depression as someone having a mental illness which is very true, depression means a chemical imbalance in my brain. Although, it still eats away at my feelings that health class made people like myself out to be unusual and miserable.
Just like anything else, you entered my life with me being in denial, faking a smile, and pretending I was okay. I tried to push you aside for as long as I possibly could. It didn’t hit me that I was stuck with you for good until that “perfect” day when I had everything going for me still turned out being terrible. Despite how good I had it, a pit formed in my stomach causing an overwhelming sensation of nausea, accompanied by some burning in my eyes and the inability to smile. Before I knew it, the tears came streaming down my face, leaving me drowning all alone in anguish with no one in sight to help me out. You have caused me to hit rock bottom and the lowest of lows.
You showed me that you are, without a doubt, the most frightening, worrisome thing I will ever come into contact with. I resentfully admit that you have put me in my bed for three days straight with no appetite, constant crying, and the desire to be alone. You have caused me to lock myself in a room asking, “Why me?” This one pains me to say, but you have made me question if I want to be here.
Despite how bad you make me feel and how miserable that teacher in health class made people like me out to be, you have shown me a side of myself that I wouldn’t have known otherwise. You have proved to me that despite that chemical imbalance in my brain, it is still possible to be an overall happy person. Most of all, just because I may be short some serotonin does not make me any less worthy of love. Truth is, I need more love when I’m having an episode.
So to my loved ones who I fear introducing you to, I’m sorry when I break and you have to see my enemy. I’m sorry for the endless tears and not being able to tell you why I’m hurting and in the dark. It’s frustrating, I know, welcome to my life. It must be hard for you to understand what it is like to be me and to constantly be on the verge of breaking down, and I don’t expect you to understand and be able to save me. All I ask for is for you to love and comfort me, hell, cry with me, if you feel the need. It’s never easy showing you a side of me that I tend to be ashamed of.
You may be the biggest pain in my ass and something that will always haunt me but I would like to thank you. Thank you for allowing me to prove to myself that an insane amount of strength lies within my body. Thank you for making me such a fragile person that I no longer put up with wrong doing from others. Anyone who drives me into an episode of you is not worth my time. Thank you for allowing me to weed out the true and fake friends at such a young age. Without a life of mental illness, I wouldn’t know what truly needing support is. Thank you for blessing me with a mature mindset and an open mind. They say what you go through in life is what sculpts you; well, you have made me into one hell of a person. That may come off sounding selfish but it’s something I truly believe and have every right to be proud of. Thank you for showing me and teaching me to believe that when everything seems to be going wrong, it can go right again. Thank youfor showing me how precious this life that I live is. Despite how unusual and miserable that health teacher made me out to be, truth is, I still have days when a smile spreads across my face. I’m far from unusual too (she/he was wrong again ;))…think about it,everyone knows someone suffering from depression. It makes me no different. I was still brought into this world with a purpose and the ability to love. No matter how lonely depression gets, reality is that I’m surrounded by millions fighting the same battle.
So depression, despite you getting the best of me more time than I would like to admit to, thanks for everything. Those tears, they are a sign of fighting a never ending battle. That shoulders up, chin held high, that is a sign of my strength. That frustration, it’s simply a sign of my desire to feel better. That inability to let you win, that, my friend, is a sign of victory. Yes you may win sometimes, but at the end of the day I’m still here; oh, and I’m kicking your ass!
Sincerely, your warrior.