Strategies for both parents and their children of all ages.
By Pam Willsey, Willsey Connections
Thanksgiving is only a few days away, marking the beginning of the holiday season. Are you having mixed emotions about what the holidays may bring? The holidays can be a mixed bag for many of us. What if you decided that this year would be different?
Regardless of what the season actually brings with it, you have the power to create a holiday season that feels different this year with one tiny shift in how you choose to think about it and by changing your expectations.
Many of my clients are teens and emerging adults who have been enjoying some independence while away at boarding school, college, or even post-grads living on their own. Returning home during the holidays can be challenging for them because they realize their families may not have grown in similar ways since they’ve been gone.
Other clients have discussed how coming home feels different, which can be difficult to understand and accept. “Home” used to feel a certain way, but now that they’ve created a different life, the “Home” they used to know has lost the familiarity. Not having what is often a foundational sense of stability is unnerving and confusing.
Going Home Can Be Hard
I’ve written before about why going home can be hard. When you return home, many emotions can resurface regardless of age. For instance, one of my clients will be returning home during the holidays, and together we discussed her mixed feelings and apprehension.
As it turns out, her family makeup no longer exists in the same form as it was in her childhood, so now returning home makes her sad thinking about how it used to be and feel. We worked through the what, and the why of her feelings and then explored the things that she had control over and the possibilities available to her to create the connected experience that she longed to have again.
We also came up with a list of things that she can and not do that will enable her to infuse more joy, appreciation, and love into her visit with family.
Holiday Season Expectations
You also have the power to create the holiday season that you want for yourself. My parent clients often ask me how to do this with their kids of all ages, and it really all comes down to expectations.
Learning to reframe our current thoughts and beliefs about the “problem” enables us to think outside of our box in order to, like my client, imagine new opportunities and possibilities for creating the experience that we want to have. Remember that our thoughts create our reality rather than the situation.
The Power of Shifting Your Expectations
Here are four tips on how you can realign your expectations this holiday season:
- Shift your focus to look for the good. Remember, what we focus on expands. Notice your thoughts about being together with family before you are together, and choose to focus on what you have control over. Lead with love. Mindset always matters, especially when we are with those closest to us who can sometimes trigger us.
The process begins with noticing and accepting our feelings without getting attached to or reacting to them. Explore the stories you are telling yourself that have created your feelings about the situation, then choose how else you might be able to think about the person or situation that will create more of the feelings you want to have. - Have a conversation about everyone’s expectations in advance. Ask, “what would make this a really awesome holiday for you?” Asking in advance and having realistic expectations can be a game changer. Maybe you have a family meeting or discussion over dinner.
If your kids are grown and will be coming home, be sure to text or call to have this conversation before they come home. If you are the one going home, check back in with home prior to your arrival to see what the plans are and what you can expect. Choose at least one family activity everyone is open to, whether a walk, game, or puzzle, a movie night or cooking a meal together.
Reframing Your Thoughts and Beliefs
- Determine what matters most to you this holiday season. Finding meaning in whatever you choose to do matters. Perhaps you are not able to be with your family this holiday season.
The holidays can be a great opportunity to connect with neighbors or friends with whom you want to strengthen relationships. Volunteering is another option that can create a meaningful and purpose-filled holiday season and may lead to new connections with like-minded people. - Gratitude. Leaning into noticing what you have instead of what you don’t is a game-changer. Gratitude may or may not be the state you normally live in, but practicing becoming more grateful each day leading up to and through the holidays may help you create the season you’ve wanted.
This holiday season may not rival what you see in commercials and social media. But choosing how you want to feel and using these strategies to be more intentional in creating the connections that matter most to you may enable you to have your best holiday season yet.
Do you know a girl or have a daughter who could use some guidance?
Visit my website WillseyConnections.com for more information and let’s connect.
