Strategies for both parents and their children of all ages.
By Pam Willsey, Willsey Connections
As parents, we all want what’s best for our kids. I hear it in my practice all the time, in the form of, “I just want them to do well and have a good life,” or “I don’t want them to struggle like I did, so that’s why I want them to go to a great college.”
What if I told you that these very desires are creating anxiety in our teens? That by pushing them to load up on AP classes, play multiple sports, and apply to top tier schools, in pursuit of “a great life” is actually doing more harm than good?
Because it is.
I’ve been working with my Grrrls Connection high school group the past few weeks about fears and stressors. Here’s what I’ve learned: It’s not social mediathat is creating the inner demons, it’s our discussions at home, in the car, on the soccer field.
The alarmingly overwhelming “biggest fear” of the girls I work with? Failure. And not just failure in general or in academics, sports, or other extra-curricular activities.
It’s a resounding fear of failing their parents by not meeting the expectations, hopes, and dreams their parents have drawn out for them.
I’m not alone in this assessment. Professionals who work with teens are seeing a rise in this relatively new phenomenon.
Research from The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and The National Academies of Science, Engineering, and Medicine show that students in “high achieving schools” are considered an “at-risk” group, experiencing stress and anxiety akin to students who are living in poverty and other social disadvantages.
All teens in the “at-risk” group experience chronic stress and higher rates of behavioral and mental health problems than the national average.
So as much as we are tempted to pin the root cause for anxiety on texting, social media, and over-scheduling, the issue is how we are communicating our values and expectations to our teens.
It’s time to paint a different picture. And it starts with how we manage the message at home:
- Open the lines of communication to find out what your teen likes and dislikes. The unrelenting pressure our teens feel can be alleviated with open-ended questions like “what’s your favorite subject?” or “who is your favorite teacher these days?” which tell your teen you care about their learning and their interests, not only their grades. The same tactic works to open discussion about athletic or personal expectations. Asking what the lunch table topic was, or what skills they worked on at volleyball practice will help teens internally balance their parents’ priorities because they’ll see that you are interested in more than their achievements during or after school.
- Remember, this is their journey; you are their supportive advisor. Medford resident and mother of two, Judi McLaughlin, took a completely neutral tone when her older daughter, Ruth, announced she did not want to go to college. “But I told her she’d need to learn a trade.” The two explored vocational options at Medford Vocational Technical High School, and Ruth fell in love with automotive technology. Now a junior, Ruth is entertaining several co-op options with auto part stores and garages in the area, and she plans to attend MassBay Community College and pursue certification in General Motors cars and trucks. “She’s still going to college, but now it’s on her terms. I’m living my life; my job as her parent is to make sure she is living hers.”
- Actions speak louder than words. The indirect messages we deliver are as important as the direct ones. Case in point: you can lecture all you want that college is the best choice, or a particular career path is their only way of succeeding in life. However, if you are a lawyer who is burnt-out and miserable, your teen is going to feel confused at best, and anxious at worst. Conversely, if you love your work, be sure that your teen knows it. Share examples of how you helped a client, or finalized a project, or closed a big sale. Demonstrating the values of the work you do will show your teen that life is more than about status and money.
The way performance metrics are communicated to our teens is important. We are our children’s first teachers; let’s be mindful of the messages, direct or indirect, that we send them.
Curious to learn more about how to connect with your teen, particularly on their college journey? Join CRCBoston and the Brookline Teen Center for an evening with Michael Horn, author of Choosing College.
Do you have a daughter or know a girl who could use some guidance in this connective process?
Visit my website WillseyConnections.com for more information and let’s connect.
