Becoming Myself

I guess I was just detached. When you’re young, the concept of self-awareness is almost irrelevant. You can be what you want, or at least you have people guiding you to what you should be, so you don’t have to think about your life direction. You’re free. Fearless. Blissfully ignorant. Untainted. Happy. Healthy. Pure.

Then life paints its colors on you. For me, some of those colors are dark and twisted and unusual. I grew up in a home that didn’t recognize the beauty of an individual; a home that valued sameness over difference, stability over adventure, and tradition over innovation. I am difference, I am adventure, and I am innovation. So I just didn’t really fit. And that will always hurt. I will always carry that pain. For a long time I didn’t realize that.

I thought I could hide my pain far away. Rather than facing my pain, I ignored it. And  like any other parasite, the more I ignored it my pain, the stronger it grew. For a few months now I have been feeling detached. That’s really the best way to describe it. I was alive but not living. The things that were most important to me, became seemingly insignificant. My motivation disappeared in this mysterious cloud around me. My relationships were deteriorating in front of my eyes, but I couldn’t see that then. I was lost. Wandering aimlessly. What was most unsettling though was the fact that I couldn’t even connect with myself in this new madness.

Sometimes you lose yourself without realizing it. It’s scary. You don’t know what’s happening, and soon you lose everything. I let pain stop me. Pain broke me down into a shell of what I once was. Do you ever feel like that? Confused. Angry. Lost, so lost. Waiting for someone or something to find you. But nothing and no well will.

When I finally realized that something was wrong, I still didn’t know what it was. That’s when I decided to begin therapy. Therapy to me is fascinating. Intriguing. Diving into your own psychi is like jumping from a cliff into cool water below. It takes courage to leap, but the end result will leave you invigorated and energized. I learned and am still learning about myself, which I find really just unbelievable. Many of us are mysteries even to ourselves. I believe its our life purpose to uncover the truths to that mystery. The more we uncover, the stronger we become. And yet the scary parts of that story must be solved, or we will never understand the whole story.

I am 21 years young. I have been tainted by life. But life itself is tainted. It is imperfect and ever changing. It’s very hard sometimes. It breaks you. But you can’t give up on it. You have to find yourself amongst its obstacles. I learned that you can’t really live the life you want until you understand who you are. Only then can you flourish. If you hide and suppress part of you, even the ugly parts, you can’t move forward. You can’t grow. Fear and pain are part of many of us. Ignoring them will only make them stronger. They will detach you.

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