Every day I learn something new about myself, the school, and the people too. It is not so easy to make friends though. For me at least, I really only look for deep profound relationships. Relationships where I feel a connection with someone that goes beyond the superficial. Back in high school I had an amazing group of friends. People who I could talk to about anything. People who I could laugh with and be completely myself with, without fear that they would judge me. I crave that sincerity so much right now. Right now though, I find myself living in this superficial mode, dwelling on the surface of people. I know thats how it works at first, and it takes time to find “your people”, but that doesn’t make the reality of loneliness any easier. Thinking back to it now, I miss laughing. Just sitting there and laughing with my friends about nothing, until your stomach hurts. Thinking back to high school though, I didn’t make those deep connections until about my junior year. I think my expectation when I first got here was that right away I would make my best friends. When I look at my friends from high school who are in college now, they all seem like they are having so much fun. They all say everything is great and it will get better, but sometimes I feel like it won’t. I don’t want to tell them that it sucks here sometimes, and it’s hard because I don’t want to be the only one that’s not having a good time. Am I really alone in that? I know it will get better, but when? I am not sitting alone at lunch, but sometimes it feels that way. I am scared to say this or that in fear that I will be written off as weird and become someone people don’t want to hang out with anymore. Sometimes too though, I don’t want to hang out with the people I am hanging out with now. They are all nice, but there is just not that connection. I just feel like I don’t really have a choice sometimes, and that’s hard too. I guess I didn’t consider how long it takes for that to actually make those deep connections with people that I am looking for right now. Any ways, I am just waiting for my people, ever so patiently….
I got homesick today too. I was looking at posters online trying to decide what to get, and I came across one from my home city. I feel like up until today I wasn’t really homesick. I mean obviously I missed being home, and being comfortable, and being around people I love, but the actual thought of me being here and them being there for some reason didn’t strike me until I saw the poster. It didn’t strike me that I’m here to stay and I won’t be going home soon. It didn’t strike me that this is my new life now. I just miss home and really everything about it. It’s weird to think it will never really be the same again. I guess the hardest thing to date is letting go of what was, and figuring out a way to focus on what is.
Moving in that direction, I decided to look into joining clubs hoping I will meet people with similar interests. I am going to talk to a teacher on Friday that I really like. I think talking to her about some good things to get involved in on campus will help. Hopefully that will jumpstart something. Also I am debating whether to rush a sorority or not…pros and cons?