So I’m back. Back at school. For those of you who love home and who constantly crave the comforts of good food and familiar company, being back in your dusty cramped dorm room can be extremely heart wrenching. If you’re like me, and traveling from a far distance, the plane ride was like that of a sad movie. Looking out the window, tears rolling aggressively down your face, all very dramatic. When I finally got back to school, all of the things I left behind came rushing back to me. The loneliness, the homesickness, and the fears. Falling asleep in bed last night, I decided to shift my thinking.
Last semester I just kind of sat in my room and thought about all the things I didn’t have. I would cry over the fact that I couldn’t find real friends and true connection, I felt my identity was in jeopardy, and I didn’t feel like I fit into the community around me. I sat in my room, anxiously counting down the days until I could return home. When you get home, its the best feeling in the world, isn’t it? You’re greeted by hugs and a warmth that was seriously lacking at school. Your Mom and Dad and siblings are so excited to see you and it makes you feel good, like so so good. Then I spent the next couple weeks hanging out with my high school friends. Again, that warm feeling was present. I could be with people who knew me, people who I didn’t have to pretend around. I could go out to parties (back in basements), grab lunch, and watch movies with my best friends. For those of you that had a good high school experience, your best friends from high school are irreplaceable and I am so thankful for that time. Back home I felt like me again. I wasn’t lost in a community that didn’t know me, or that a community that I was scared to allow to get to know me. So coming back was scary as shit.
Leaving home I don’t think is easy for anyone. Saying goodbye to your family hurts like a bitch, deep down there in the soul. When I landed here in my college town, I was devastated. Last night, I cried, a lot. I realized toward the end of my tears, it was one of those “good cries”. This semester is going to be different. Rather than end my night crying myself to sleep, I decided in between sobs, to shift my thinking. Before I fell asleep, I listed in my head all the things I am grateful for. For those of you struggling to come up with a list here is mine, it may be different from yours, but just come up with ten things before you fall asleep each night.
I am grateful for the fact that….
1. I AM ALIVE
2. I am healthy
3. My family and friends have been blessed with good health
4. I have family that love that I love immensely
5. I have an amazing boyfriend who supports me through anything
6. I have loyal friends that love me almost as much as I love them
7. I have the privilege of being enrolled in college and receive a quality education
8. I have a plan for my career, and clear goals set to make my plan a reality
9. I have a clear sense of my identity
10. I AM LOVED
Those are my ten. What are yours? After making this list I realized that my life is not empty, like how I feel it is at school. My life is full. My life is beautiful and my possibilities are endless. I have to make it happen. So wipe those tears away girl, you got this. I know I have so much to offer this world, and you do too. So to end my vent session today, I will leave you with another list. I am not one to brag about myself, at all. I think this is the time for me to love who I am so I can gain the confidence to show others me. So here is a list of 10 things I love about myself. I also wrote this in my journal. Before I list out and end this post, I have one last tip. Start a journal if you haven’t already. Write down how your day went. Write down what you want to accomplish the next day. Write down the people you meet. Write down how you surprised yourself that day. Whatever you want. Just write. I know this is gonna get better!
I am awesome because…
1. Every time I walk outside, I find something beautiful
2. I have fallen deeply madly in love
3. I am extremely loyal to those I love
4. I think and feel everything deeply
5. I make myself laugh
6. I love my family
7. I have big dreams
8. I am resilient
9. I can make people laugh
10. I am passionate about the mystery that is life