I never even had the thought of kissing a boy in my mind until I was in the eighth grade. This thought didn’t come to my head because I wanted to but more because everyone was shocked I had never kissed someone at the age of thirteen. Ever since that moment I began rushing through all the steps of hooking up. All my friends couldn’t believe I’d never kissed anyone and I beat myself up constantly for this fact. Now, three years later, I realize, why would they care about my body and what I choose to do with it? Had they all really kissed someone already, probably not.
So here I was, a thirteen year old girl, feeling like I had to rush to get my first kiss as if I was running out of time. I ended up having my first kiss at fourteen years old. It was the third day of Freshman year and there was a new boy at our school. He was sixteen turning seventeen repeating freshman year for the second time. I had no interest in him but my best friend’s boyfriend was good friends with him, so one Friday night all four of us hung out. We went to his house and put on a movie. He began leaning in to kiss me. I didn’t know what to do so I just let it happen. However, after that kiss he decided to take it further and let’s just say I was nowhere near okay with it. Even since that moment I felt I had to get rid of that memory by having countless amounts of pointless hookups. Later that school year I got a boyfriend. He had lost his virginity at thirteen. I made it very clear to him that I was nowhere near ready for that and he seemed to respect that decision; however, he didn’t. He seemed to not want to give up that experience with girls, so he decided to continue dating me but hook up with other girls, who were willing to go further.
After that relationship I went off the rails a bit with guys. I began hooking up with guys at every party I went to; constantly snapping guys and giving myself to them without any thought about it. I felt as if I could do this without it taking a toll on me and boy was I mistaken. I ended up losing my virginity as a sophomore to a senior. I didn’t really know the guy – I had just met him the same day we did it. After I got home I felt as if I was now worthy of a guy and could get anyone I wanted.
I went on that summer hooking up with at least two guys in a month. At the end of the summer I met a nineteen year old guy who seemed to have all the girls’ attention at the party. I was extremely under the influence that entire night, as was everyone there. This was my first time meeting this boy. I knew nothing about him yet I decided to have sex with him during the party. Everyone ended up finding out what had happened and I couldn’t even look at myself afterwards. I was completely humiliated. That next morning I only had a blurry memory of what had happened. I sat in my room for two whole days in the dark not eating, just crying nonstop. I actually ended up dating this guy, and you’re probably wondering “why would she do that after spending an entire two days crying from humiliation of what had happened?” Well that would be because I felt alone and he seemed to really like me so I told myself “why not?” I found out a lot of horrible things about what this guy had done and I later decided to break things off.
After this, I felt hopeless, as if I wasn’t worthy of a guy ever treating me right. I then met a kid in my school who was best friends with one of my guy best friends. He began snapping me and flirting with me. I asked “don’t you have a girlfriend?” and he replied “what does that matter?” I left him on read for a few days after that. I never wanted to be part of something like that because I knew what it felt like being on the other side of it and I never wanted to be responsible for causing that kind of pain. However, my “friend” talked me into giving him a chance. I invited him over that same night and we had sex. This went on for about a month until my mom found out. Immediately afterwards I cut things off for good.
I am now trying to learn what it means to me to have sex with somone. What I have learned so far is that I can’t give that part of myself to just anyone and I am more than worthy of being treated right. I want to feel good about having sex and not just in the moment but afterwards as well. In our society today hookup culture has been so normalized, giving your body to someone you know nothing about. This puts some much pressure on girls and their bodies and what they are willing to do. This is a huge form of self destruction.
So, to anyone reading this and struggling with this exact issue, just know you deserve better. You deserve someone who respects you and wants you for you, not just what you are willing to do. Most importantly, take your time. Don’t ever feel like you owe something to someone especially when they know you are not ready.
Consider using this time to get really curious about who you want to be right now and what is yours to do. Remain curious about any feelings that arise during these uncertain times. Now is the perfect time to work with a life coach who can help you strengthen the connections to yourself and others in your world. If you are a teen or a college-aged young woman who could use some guidance and support, visit my website WillseyConnections.com for more information and let’s connect.